Washington, DC
Just days after winning a close election over G. Bryan Balazs, Allison Campbell, president-elect of the American Chemical Society, took to the podium to announce sweeping reforms to the professional organization this morning.
"After collecting the results of numerous polls and focus groups of ACS members, I am very pleased to announce significant changes to the way the American Chemical Society will be run during my tenure," began Dr. Campbell.
"We have long deliberated the issues which matter most to our members: stable employment, wage stagnation, and industrial safety, among others. After much consideration, we are taking concrete steps to address these issues. First, each ACS member will receive a commemorative key chain in addition to the traditional coffee mug on each anniversary of their ACS membership."
"I am also pleased to report that, in addition to receiving a 15% discount from Hertz car rental, ACS members will henceforth receive a similar discount at all Denny's restaurants in the 48 contiguous United States," she added.
"Finally, we are rolling out a new feature exclusive to members; SciFinder-Facebook integration. All the powerful features you are familiar with can now be shared with your friends and family across your favorite social network."
In her closing remarks, president-elect Campbell disclosed that the long-standing 25 complimentary ACS journal downloads annually allocated to each member would be replaced by a two month trial of LinkedIn Premium.
Satirical news from the world of chemistry, not affiliated with C&EN.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
3 Reported Dead After Paperwork Exposure Event Results In Drowning
St. Louis, MO
Two technicians and a process chemist were reportedly killed early Tuesday evening at the SynTech custom chemical plant in St. Louis, MO. The incident occurred when an internal safety review board generated enough hot gas to rupture, showering the three in paperwork.
The accumulation of the noxious paperwork, a myriad of inane and redundant forms, check-box SOP's, and boilerplate hazard warnings, initially began slowly following the adjournment of a process safety review meeting. However, by mid-afternoon enough paperwork had been evolved from the discussion to increase the stress on the system's self-importance relief valve to critical levels. Investigations are ongoing, but it is suspected that the valve's pressure was not properly monitored due to management's failure to check the autonomy levels of the review panel.
A spokesperson from SynTech expressed sympathy with the families of those affected. "We wish to express our deepest condolences to the families and loved ones of the three workers lost today. SynTech is working closely with federal investigators to determine the precise cause of yesterday's paperwork exposure, and to ensure that such a tragedy will never occur again."
The spokesperson went on to describe an emergency safety review board incident review panel, which had been formed immediately following the rupturing of the safety review board.
Two technicians and a process chemist were reportedly killed early Tuesday evening at the SynTech custom chemical plant in St. Louis, MO. The incident occurred when an internal safety review board generated enough hot gas to rupture, showering the three in paperwork.
The accumulation of the noxious paperwork, a myriad of inane and redundant forms, check-box SOP's, and boilerplate hazard warnings, initially began slowly following the adjournment of a process safety review meeting. However, by mid-afternoon enough paperwork had been evolved from the discussion to increase the stress on the system's self-importance relief valve to critical levels. Investigations are ongoing, but it is suspected that the valve's pressure was not properly monitored due to management's failure to check the autonomy levels of the review panel.
A spokesperson from SynTech expressed sympathy with the families of those affected. "We wish to express our deepest condolences to the families and loved ones of the three workers lost today. SynTech is working closely with federal investigators to determine the precise cause of yesterday's paperwork exposure, and to ensure that such a tragedy will never occur again."
The spokesperson went on to describe an emergency safety review board incident review panel, which had been formed immediately following the rupturing of the safety review board.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Martin Shkreli Announces Plans To Purchase, Hollow-Out Dormant Volcano
New York, NY
Following news that Imprimis Pharmaceuticals had entered the market for Daraprim -- the subject of Turing Pharmaceutical's recent controversial price increase -- Turing CEO Martin Shkreli announced his firm's plan to relocate their headquarters to a hollowed-out volcano somewhere in the south pacific.
"Due to recent corporate restructuring, we have decided that a private island fortress in the form of a long-dormant, but hopefully still smoldering volcano will ideally suit Turing Pharmaceuticals as a new base of operations," stated Shkreli. "As you are all well aware, Turing is committed to spending at least 50% of its total accrued profits on efforts toward world domination."
Mr. Shkreli then proceeded to extol the benefits of such an aquatic lair. "The fortress will, of course, be located in international waters and be accessible only by chartered helicopter. Construction is expected to take approximately eighteen months to complete, which places Turing in an ideal situation to begin construction on a ICBM-equipped moon base by no later than Q2 of 2017."
As of press time, Turing's board of directors was reportedly investigating the costs associated with procuring a small army of child soldiers from the failed state of Somalia, as well as several hovercrafts to patrol the waters around their proposed headquarters.
Following news that Imprimis Pharmaceuticals had entered the market for Daraprim -- the subject of Turing Pharmaceutical's recent controversial price increase -- Turing CEO Martin Shkreli announced his firm's plan to relocate their headquarters to a hollowed-out volcano somewhere in the south pacific.
"Due to recent corporate restructuring, we have decided that a private island fortress in the form of a long-dormant, but hopefully still smoldering volcano will ideally suit Turing Pharmaceuticals as a new base of operations," stated Shkreli. "As you are all well aware, Turing is committed to spending at least 50% of its total accrued profits on efforts toward world domination."
Mr. Shkreli then proceeded to extol the benefits of such an aquatic lair. "The fortress will, of course, be located in international waters and be accessible only by chartered helicopter. Construction is expected to take approximately eighteen months to complete, which places Turing in an ideal situation to begin construction on a ICBM-equipped moon base by no later than Q2 of 2017."
As of press time, Turing's board of directors was reportedly investigating the costs associated with procuring a small army of child soldiers from the failed state of Somalia, as well as several hovercrafts to patrol the waters around their proposed headquarters.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Summer Intern Offers To Pay For Broken Vacuum Dewar
Boston, MA
Sources within Boston-area technology firm Syntadyn indicated that Alexander Jepsen, a co-operative transfer student from the University of Massachusetts, Lowell, graciously offered to finance the replacement of a 2.5-liter glass-lined vacuum dewar flask after inadvertently shattering it while performing his laboratory duties earlier this morning.
Mr. Jepsen, who will be beginning his junior year as a chemistry major next week, was cleaning glassware in the lab sink when he knocked the vessel to the ground causing it to implode violently. Fortunately, Jepsen was not injured in the incident. After sweeping up the glass shards which littered the lab floor, Jepsen reported the breakage to his supervisor, Dr. Kelsey Smith, stating he had broken "some light-bulb looking thing," which he elaborated made "a wicked loud noise" upon shattering.
When reached for comment, Jepsen stated he apologized profusely for the incident. "I went over to Kelsey's office and was like 'I broke something downstairs in the lab, I'm so sorry.' Then I offered to pay for a new one. It looked like a bunch of metal and glass; couldn't cost more than a hundred bucks, tops, right?"
Fortunately for Alexander, who in his brief experience as a co-op has not had the opportunity to contextualize the exorbitant cost of scientific equipment, glassware, and reagents, Dr. Smith declined his gracious but ultimately naive offer to "take a dock in pay."
C&EN Onion reporters reached out to Jepsen's supervisor, who indicated this was not the first incident involving broken equipment. "Some people are just all thumbs, I guess. I've got a laundry list of stuff this guy has broken: round bottoms, NMR tubes, a couple beakers, even a Schlenk line."
As of press time, a one-liter graduated cylinder had escaped from Jepsen's grasp and was rapidly accelerating toward the floor.
Sources within Boston-area technology firm Syntadyn indicated that Alexander Jepsen, a co-operative transfer student from the University of Massachusetts, Lowell, graciously offered to finance the replacement of a 2.5-liter glass-lined vacuum dewar flask after inadvertently shattering it while performing his laboratory duties earlier this morning.
Mr. Jepsen, who will be beginning his junior year as a chemistry major next week, was cleaning glassware in the lab sink when he knocked the vessel to the ground causing it to implode violently. Fortunately, Jepsen was not injured in the incident. After sweeping up the glass shards which littered the lab floor, Jepsen reported the breakage to his supervisor, Dr. Kelsey Smith, stating he had broken "some light-bulb looking thing," which he elaborated made "a wicked loud noise" upon shattering.
When reached for comment, Jepsen stated he apologized profusely for the incident. "I went over to Kelsey's office and was like 'I broke something downstairs in the lab, I'm so sorry.' Then I offered to pay for a new one. It looked like a bunch of metal and glass; couldn't cost more than a hundred bucks, tops, right?"
Fortunately for Alexander, who in his brief experience as a co-op has not had the opportunity to contextualize the exorbitant cost of scientific equipment, glassware, and reagents, Dr. Smith declined his gracious but ultimately naive offer to "take a dock in pay."
C&EN Onion reporters reached out to Jepsen's supervisor, who indicated this was not the first incident involving broken equipment. "Some people are just all thumbs, I guess. I've got a laundry list of stuff this guy has broken: round bottoms, NMR tubes, a couple beakers, even a Schlenk line."
As of press time, a one-liter graduated cylinder had escaped from Jepsen's grasp and was rapidly accelerating toward the floor.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
C&EN 'Talented 12' Compete for "Most Talented" Superlative
Written by C&EN Independent Correspondent SeeArrOh, who blogs at Just Like Cooking.
BOSTON, MA
It's pretty sweet to be labeled an up-and-comer among your professional peers. But, to quote Highlander: "There can be only one!"
This might explain the ongoing competition among the Talented 12 scholars. "It started so innocently," claimed fluorescent probe master Luke Lavis. "Hosea [Nelson] sidled up to me to challenge me to a foot-race, and, next thing I knew, we were sprinting up and down the halls of the Marriott." Synthetic wunderkind Kami Hull has since challenged contact lens pioneer Karen Havenstrite to an arm-wrestling match; Troy Lister and Matt Kanan were last seen engaged in a pie-eating contest.
Remarked C&EN Editor Bibiana Campos Seijo: "Really, they're all equally gifted, but we'll be keeping close watch to see which one survives the conference with the most street cred."
Baran Invents Time Machine, Returns To 2015 To Report On Maoecrystal V
Boston, MA
To an audience of eager chemists, Professor Phil Baran of the Scripps Institute presented his future self from the year 2019 who in turn presented the results of his present self's eventual optimized total synthesis of maoecrystal v. Baran, who will have had completed the elegant, 12-step route by late 2018, extolled on the difficulties of the project.
"Optimizing and cutting down on junk steps took almost two full years of work by seven post-docs. From there, it was a trivial matter of correctly orienting the polarity of several flux capacitors, allowing me to be here with you today," said future-Baran.
Baran did, however, acknowledge some difficulties in implementing his time travel machine. "It turned out the baryon transistors were exceedingly sensitive to tachyon magnetization. The result was inconsistent end-points of time travel. I regret to report that, in the course of debugging, two graduate students were lost, we believe sometime in the mid-to-late cretaceous period."
Upon completion of his talk, the future-present Baran system auto-annihilated, resulting in a singular meta-Baran, which itself transcended both time and mortality, as well as human consciousness.
To an audience of eager chemists, Professor Phil Baran of the Scripps Institute presented his future self from the year 2019 who in turn presented the results of his present self's eventual optimized total synthesis of maoecrystal v. Baran, who will have had completed the elegant, 12-step route by late 2018, extolled on the difficulties of the project.
"Optimizing and cutting down on junk steps took almost two full years of work by seven post-docs. From there, it was a trivial matter of correctly orienting the polarity of several flux capacitors, allowing me to be here with you today," said future-Baran.
Baran did, however, acknowledge some difficulties in implementing his time travel machine. "It turned out the baryon transistors were exceedingly sensitive to tachyon magnetization. The result was inconsistent end-points of time travel. I regret to report that, in the course of debugging, two graduate students were lost, we believe sometime in the mid-to-late cretaceous period."
Upon completion of his talk, the future-present Baran system auto-annihilated, resulting in a singular meta-Baran, which itself transcended both time and mortality, as well as human consciousness.
All those in attendance were reportedly filled with an overwhelming feeling of tranquility and understanding of the collective human condition. Meta-Baran then disintegrated into pure energy, a sight so beautiful that many were driven insane by the jarring epiphany that nothing in the duration of their metaphysically unimportant lives would ever compare.
As of press time, a small slip in the fabric of space-time had allowed fleeting contact with Professor Yoshito Kishi from the year 2021, who uttered a drawn out "MAIIIITOOOOOTOOOXIIIIIIN" before fading from existence.
As of press time, a small slip in the fabric of space-time had allowed fleeting contact with Professor Yoshito Kishi from the year 2021, who uttered a drawn out "MAIIIITOOOOOTOOOXIIIIIIN" before fading from existence.
ACS Conferee's "Black Sunday" Exposition Hall Camp-out Yields Tchotchke Fortune
Written by C&EN Independent Correspondent SeeArrOh, who blogs at Just Like Cooking.
BOSTON, MA
For some, it's a tradition akin to stalwarts lining up outside Wal-Mart on Thanksgiving eve. "I bring a small pup-tent to all ACS National Meetings," says Susan Ortiz, a safety officer from UNH. "If you want the best free schwag from the top vendors, you'd best be at those glass doors at 5:59PM."
"My advice? Bring tennis shoes, and be ready to sprint."
Ms. Ortiz's haul this year set records: a dozen T-shirts, 58 pens, countless pieces of Halloween candy and myriad USB drives. "Really, I'm set until Christmas - my whole family knows to expect branded sunglasses, KNF keychains, or that special Sigma Aldrich solvent guide under the tree."
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