Irvine, CA
BREAKING
Sources indicate that Jonathan Wilkins, a first year graduate student at the University of California, Irvine, is the sole occupant of his advisor's research laboratory. The Smith lab, ordinarily bustling with research endeavors, is reportedly entirely empty, save the small desk occupied by Wilkins.
"He [Smith] told everyone we could have New Year's Day off, but we were expected back in the lab today. So I show up like I'm told. And what do I find? Crickets. Not a single other person bothered to show," commented Wilkins. "Someone could have given me a heads up, maybe?"
"I mean, I'm here now, so I might as well run a couple columns or something so today isn't a complete wash."
"Goddammit," he added dejectedly.
When reached for comment, Jessica Anderson, a fifth-year PhD candidate in Smith's lab told reporters the lab is always empty after New Years.
"Yeah, Smith always leaves early on New Year's Eve, then takes the rest of the week off. So the more senior members of the lab follow suit. But with the first-years, we play along with Smith's hardball stance on lab attendance."
"Wait, you mean to tell me Jon actually showed up?" she added.
Satirical news from the world of chemistry, not affiliated with C&EN.
