Thursday, December 17, 2015

Martin Shkreli Arrested; Prosecutors Seek Indictment On Three Counts

New York, NY

Federal prosecutors announced today that they had arrested controversial venture capitalist Martin Shkreli on three separate securities fraud related charged.  Jonathan Weil, spokesperson for the SEC had this to say:

"Early this morning, Mr. Shkreli was arrested for federal agents on charges related to his activities as CEO of pharmaceutical company Retrophin."

According to Weil, prosecutors plan on indicting Shkreli on two separate charges of being a smug, unrepentant bag of dicks in the first degree, and conspiracy to holy shit how is any of what he's doing even remotely legal, god damn.

He also indicated that the prosecution is considering seeking a third indictment for oh my god, just look at that asshole's face, what a douche.

Sources present as his arraignment indicated that Mr. Shkreli paid his $1,000,000 bail with cartoonish moneybags stashed with hundred dollar bills.  When reached for comment, Shkreli did not speak with the press, but instead threw both middle fingers into the air and briefly smirked before stepping into the back of his chartered limousine.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Area PI Orchestrates Perfect Hostile Work Environment

Boston, MA

Associate Professor James Smith spoke to C&EN Onion Thursday morning from his office in the Harvard affiliated Boston Children's Hospital to report on his successful creation of the ideally hostile work environment.

Professor Smith, who employs six post-doctoral researchers and three graduate students, described the atmosphere of veiled fear and tense suspicion he had meticulously crafted within his lab.  "I find that the goals of science are better served when my researchers are deeply mistrustful of each other and in constant fear of having their funding cut.  Really makes everyone put in a certain je ne sais quoi."

"It's actually really simple to keep the J-1's [visa holders] in line.  Just the implication that I might not continue to fund them is enough to coax at least another 2-3 months of 70-hour weeks out of them."

"Every now and then I bring in a candidate to interview; you know, just so my post-docs sweat a little."

Smith went on to explain his method for ensuring the lab was bustling with activity during nights and weekends.  "Last group meeting, I photocopied the employment contract each of my group members signed and highlighted the line stating each employee must work 'no less than forty hours' per week."

"I also find it's critical to encourage competition between group members," Smith continued.  "If two of them are working on similar projects, I'll throw a couple tasks at them that overlap slightly.  Gets 'em worrying about author order."

"Now, if I could just figure out a way to eliminate those damned hour-long lunches they keep taking."