Monday, September 29, 2014

Professor Gives Full Marks To Student Answering All Questions With "Something To Do With Doubly Degenerate Energy Levels"

Somewhere, SA

Inorganic Chemistry Professor David Johnson at the University of Alabama reportedly awarded full marks on a mid-term exam, recently proctored to his CHEM301 students, to undergraduate Sydney Harrison after she reportedly answered some variation of "something to do with doubly degenerate energy levels" in response to every single question on the exam.

A stunned Professor Johnson spoke to the press early this morning to recount the events leading up to the perfectly-scored exam.  "My TA [graduate student Aaron Michelson] was going over the exam while I was working on a grant application.  He called my office line and said there was an issue with one of the exams."

"I took a look at the exam, and she [Sydney Harrison] has hastily written something along the lines of 'because of T1g degeneracy' or 'due to degenerate energy levels' for every single question.  I mean, she's not wrong."

"And that's when I realized that degenerate modes was indeed a perfectly adequate answer to the entirety of the exam."

"That's when I went back to look for other anomalies, and interestingly, 'the Jahn-Teller effect' would have also been an acceptable answer to every question," Johnson added.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Pfizer Execs To Consult Ouija Board In Future Biotech Acquisition Bid

New York, NY

In a recent statement to the press, Pfizer Press Liaison  Eric Caldwell indicated that the multi-billion dollar megapharma firm's executive board would be calling on the guidance of long-deceased company founder Charles Pfizer in regards to a future biotechnology acquisition bid.

When pressed for clarification, Caldwell stated that CEO Ian Read, and other executives had prepared the board room at the New York headquarters for a seance, complete with candles and a Ouija board.  "Obviously we need to do something about the whole 'tax situation,'" Caldwell continued, "investors are getting somewhat impatient, and valuations are tricky business."

"The board is confident this move will provide investors with the optimum outcome, as the spiritual entity of Mr. Pfizer brings over 100 years of posthumous experience to the board room."

"Last time we held a seance, the spirit guide instructed us to go after AstraZeneca, spelling out 'AZN' after we asked what company we should acquire.  But now I think that was just [Executive Vice President] Frank moving the planchette," stated CEO Ian Read when reached for comment.