New York, NY
In a recent statement to the press, Pfizer Press Liaison Eric Caldwell indicated that the multi-billion dollar megapharma firm's executive board would be calling on the guidance of long-deceased company founder Charles Pfizer in regards to a future biotechnology acquisition bid.
When pressed for clarification, Caldwell stated that CEO Ian Read, and other executives had prepared the board room at the New York headquarters for a seance, complete with candles and a Ouija board. "Obviously we need to do something about the whole 'tax situation,'" Caldwell continued, "investors are getting somewhat impatient, and valuations are tricky business."
"The board is confident this move will provide investors with the optimum outcome, as the spiritual entity of Mr. Pfizer brings over 100 years of posthumous experience to the board room."
"Last time we held a seance, the spirit guide instructed us to go after AstraZeneca, spelling out 'AZN' after we asked what company we should acquire. But now I think that was just [Executive Vice President] Frank moving the planchette," stated CEO Ian Read when reached for comment.