Berkeley, CA
Sources indicate that Keith Laing, expectant Cal chemistry graduate, has recently completed radical changes to his professional image in a severely misguided attempt to impress potential employers.
Laing, 23, is expected to receive his bachelors of science in chemistry next month from the University of California, Berkeley, at which time he hopes to "hit the ground running in kickass position somewhere near the bay," according to the "objective" section of his newly polished resume.
Keith recently spoke with C&EN Onion reporters regarding the millennial's decision to "spice-up" his online presence and resume. "I want to really stand out from the other chemistry graduates in the area. Sure, there's a lot of R&D work here, but the talent pool is huge too. Plus, I want potential employers to see that I 'get' it. You know? Like, I'm someone who can crush it in the lab from nine to five, and then grab a beer with crew after-hours."
Despite his overly optimistic use of the term "crush it," Laing has a positive outlook on his employment prospects. "Managers should be able to see that I'm not just a stick in the mud. So I bought the domain 'keithlaing.com.' You want to see my resume? Boom. Right there."
Indeed, Laing's resume reflects his attitude, with "chromatography wizard" and "process-development guru" listed under skills. In a similar tone, Laing's recently created LinkedIn profile boasts "Synthesis Rockstar" as a headline, as well as stating his ability to "kill it" across a wide variety of disciplines.
As of press time, Mr. Laing was pondering adding "computational chemistry ninja" to his resume, despite not knowing what "DFT" even stands for.
Satirical news from the world of chemistry, not affiliated with C&EN.
