Thursday, November 5, 2015

ACS President-Elect Allison Campbell Announces Bold Reform Plans

Washington, DC

Just days after winning a close election over G. Bryan Balazs, Allison Campbell, president-elect of the American Chemical Society, took to the podium to announce sweeping reforms to the professional organization this morning.

"After collecting the results of numerous polls and focus groups of ACS members, I am very pleased to announce significant changes to the way the American Chemical Society will be run during my tenure," began Dr. Campbell.

"We have long deliberated the issues which matter most to our members: stable employment, wage stagnation, and industrial safety, among others.  After much consideration, we are taking concrete steps to address these issues.  First, each ACS member will receive a commemorative key chain in addition to the traditional coffee mug on each anniversary of their ACS membership."

"I am also pleased to report that, in addition to receiving a 15% discount from Hertz car rental, ACS members will henceforth receive a similar discount at all Denny's restaurants in the 48 contiguous United States," she added.

"Finally, we are rolling out a new feature exclusive to members; SciFinder-Facebook integration.  All the powerful features you are familiar with can now be shared with your friends and family across your favorite social network."

In her closing remarks, president-elect Campbell disclosed that the long-standing 25 complimentary ACS journal downloads annually allocated to each member would be replaced by a two month trial of LinkedIn Premium.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

3 Reported Dead After Paperwork Exposure Event Results In Drowning

St. Louis, MO

Two technicians and a process chemist were reportedly killed early Tuesday evening at the SynTech custom chemical plant in St. Louis, MO.  The incident occurred when an internal safety review board generated enough hot gas to rupture, showering the three in paperwork.

The accumulation of the noxious paperwork, a myriad of inane and redundant forms, check-box SOP's, and boilerplate hazard warnings, initially began slowly following the adjournment of a process safety review meeting.  However, by mid-afternoon enough paperwork had been evolved from the discussion to increase the stress on the system's self-importance relief valve to critical levels.  Investigations are ongoing, but it is suspected that the valve's pressure was not properly monitored due to management's failure to check the autonomy levels of the review panel.

A spokesperson from SynTech expressed sympathy with the families of those affected.  "We wish to express our deepest condolences to the families and loved ones of the three workers lost today.  SynTech is working closely with federal investigators to determine the precise cause of yesterday's paperwork exposure, and to ensure that such a tragedy will never occur again."

The spokesperson went on to describe an emergency safety review board incident review panel, which had been formed immediately following the rupturing of the safety review board.