Friday, December 12, 2014

Chemistry Jobs "Plentiful" and "Well-paying" Says Area AP Chemistry Teacher

Orange, CA

El Camino High School chemistry teacher Richard Hinds has reportedly offered a series of bold-faced lies as encouragement to his Advanced Placement students preceding the start of their winter break.  Hinds' class, composed of juniors and college-bound seniors, listened attentively as the purported authority figure described post-graduate employment prospects.

Hinds, who apparently lives in the 1960's, stated, "A bachelor's in chemistry will open so many doors for you.  Unemployment is virtually non-existent, and careers in chemistry pay incredibly well!"  Witnesses indicated that Hinds failed to discuss the concept of "under-employment," and did not so much as mention the fact that upwards of 60% of chemistry graduates go on to careers not only outside chemistry, but outside science as a whole.

Sources indicated that, while Hinds' mastery of teaching techniques is sound, as evidenced by his students' pass rate of 93%, his concept of the employment landscape within the chemical sciences is fundamentally flawed.  "Starting chemists can easily make $60,000 a year," Hinds continued, citing a salary figure existent only outside the realm of reality.

Hinds went on to state that chemistry graduates would have employers "lining up" to hire them, while simultaneously neglecting to mention that a career in industrial chemistry would, with rare exception, necessitate relocation to Massachusetts, New Jersey, Texas, or northern California.

As of press time, Hinds was reading aloud an email from Melissa Ernhardt, a previous student, describing her fortune in obtaining gainful employment in her selected field after earning a BSc. in chemistry, despite her being the only member of her graduating class to do so.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Three Dead Following NMR Quench; Calls For Help Mistaken For "Alvin And The Chipmunks" Christmas Album

St. Paul, MN


Officials at the University of Minnesota, Twin Cites campus, are reporting that three scientists have died following a rapid quench of the university's 800 MHz nuclear magnetic resonance spectrometer.  Sources indicate that at approximately 7:30 pm Wednesday evening, technician Adam Wilkinson and graduate students Aaron Ferguson and Donna Frish were performing a probe changeover when the instrument unexpectedly quenched, releasing all 240 liters of liquid cryogen.

Researchers in adjacent laboratories reported hearing high-pitched voices from the instrumentation lab.  Post-doctoral researcher Shane Patel stated his confusion, representative of all those present in the building at the time of the incident.

"Those assholes [sic] in James' lab down the hallway have been playing this obnoxious Christmas carol album non-stop since literally the day after Thanksgiving.  Alvin and the Chipmunks, or something like that."

"Anyway, I heard some muffled squealing voices coming from down the hallway, and just assumed it was those nobs playing that shit-awful album again."

Students and faculty alike are reeling in the wake of the deaths.  A preliminary investigation by campus officials has indicated that a faulty quench vent tube is to blame for the tragedy.  David Roberts, head of campus EH&S, issued a statement warning of the dangers associated with liquid helium.

"True, helium is non-toxic, but liquid cryogen expands when it boils off and can easily displace all the oxygen within a given room.  If occupants are unable to evacuate quickly, rapid asphyxiation can occur.  Rapid, squeaky, hilariously tragic asphyxiation."

Patel added, "Well, at least those poor bastards don't have to suffer through hearing that terrible album again."

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Medicinal Chemist Researching Erectile Dysfunction Lies To Parents, Self

C&EN Onion European Chemical Sciences Correspondent Fluorogrol Reports

Stevenage, UK

Disillusioned medicinal chemist Thomas 'Tom' Evans today spoke candidly of the miasma of misinformation he has been forced to construct while working on a series of selective PDE5 inhibitors in search of a clinical candidate for erectile dysfunction.

"What am I meant to tell my mother?" demanded Evans, visibly angered. "I've been fobbing her off with the 'you wouldn't understand, it's very complex science' line for two-and-a-half years now. What if my father asks to try some? Nobody needs that conversation over Sunday lunch."

"I try to avoid direct, bare-faced lies, but recently I accidentally-on-purpose left some marketing fliers for [cutting-edge B-cell cancer drug] Imbruvica around my parents' house," he continued. "They completely fell for it, assuming I worked on it, although when my mother noticed that it's made by a different company I had to do some serious off-the-cuff bullshitting about a split marketing rights deal or something."

Evans revealed that the deceit has also crept into his working life: "I imagine that the compound I'm making is going to revolutionise treatment of hep C, or type 1 diabetes, or even canine pruritus. Anything. But then something always pricks the bubble. Boner drugs. Damn."

A colleague, who asked not to be named, claimed she'll ask to transfer labs if she hears Evans' moribund joke that he's 'bored stiff' of PDE5 inhibitors once more.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Trendy Biotech Startup Boldly Replaces "O" In Name With Stylized Hexagon

Cambridge, MA

In a move investors analysts alike are calling "groundbreaking," Mike Schneider, PhD., President and CEO of Boston-area biotechnology startup iBiosciences announced this morning that the company logo will substitute a stylized hexagon in place of the "o" in "Biosciences."

Dr. Schneider -- who legitimately believes he is the first person to have thought of using cyclohexane in place of the letter "o" -- stated his excitement at the company's inaugural press release.  "I'm just thrilled to be working with such as great group of people.  With over $200 million in venture backing, and a fantastic staff of top-notch biologists, medicinal chemists, and molecular modelers we are poised to make a huge impact on novel autoimmune therapeutics.  Plus, it's really great that the graphic designer we hired liked my idea to spice up the company logo."

Theresa Thompson, a graphic design student at Boston University's College of Fine Arts, was recruited as an intern by the company to create the logo.  "They're only giving me $150 to complete the design...  One-hundred-and-fifty bucks.  And he [Schneider] said  he'd even 'let' me 'put it in my portfolio.'  He was so happy with himself when he asked me to add this dumb looking hexagon thing to the design."  Thompson continued, "what does he think this is, the nineties?"

As of press time, a look of subtle incredulity was creeping over Schneider's face as he came to the realization that the Budweiser logo was eerily reminiscent of chair-conformer cyclohexane.