Impact Factor Stolen In Daring Heist

C&EN Onion European Chemical Sciences Correspondent Fluorogrol Reports

Nottingham, UK

Thieves made off with a large quantity of impact factor in a carefully orchestrated raid on a Thomson–Reuters facility, just days before this year's consignment of the controlled substance was due to be distributed to academic journals around the world.

Despite its low-key appearance – an anonymous warehouse on the outskirts of Nottingham, UK – entry to the building known as the Impact Factory is tightly controlled. The heavily armed gang smuggled themselves into the facility in a shipping container stuffed with unprocessed citations. Once inside, they forcibly looted the impact factor vault before escaping, according to a police source, "in the usual manner: zipline across the river and then fleeing by dogsled across the fields to a waiting hovercraft."

Responding to anxious scientific publishers' demands to know precisely how much impact factor was missing, Thomson–Reuters stated: "It would be absurd to attempt to put a precise figure on what is at best a slippery approximation. However, we estimate that impact factor totalling 7318.031 has been taken." The stolen impact factor, corresponding to approximately 17 deca-Natures, will likely be broken up and sold piecemeal to predatory journals or adulterated with cutting agents such as baking soda, amphetamines and Altmetrics before being sold on the street.

Handling guidelines for impact factor, an intractable brown tar described as toxic and corrosive, recommend storage in a well-sealed container and the avoidance of all contact with science. Despite this, it has been known as a drug of abuse for many years under the street names "JIF" and "Garfield's thunder." Most impact factor addicts are relatively high-functioning and able to maintain senior positions in research, publishing, and on tenure and funding committees. Medical professionals urge users to protect themselves from the worst effects by taking their impact factor with a pinch of salt.

Cal Graduate Changes LinkedIn Headline To "Synthesis Rockstar"

Berkeley, CA

Sources indicate that Keith  Laing, expectant Cal chemistry graduate, has recently completed radical changes to his professional image in a severely misguided attempt to impress potential employers.

Laing, 23, is expected to receive his bachelors of science in chemistry next month from the University of California, Berkeley, at which time he hopes to "hit the ground running in kickass position somewhere near the bay," according to the "objective" section of his newly polished resume.

Keith recently spoke with C&EN Onion reporters regarding the millennial's decision to "spice-up" his online presence and resume.  "I want to really stand out from the other chemistry graduates in the area.  Sure, there's a lot of R&D work here, but the talent pool is huge too.  Plus, I want potential employers to see that I 'get' it.  You know?  Like, I'm someone who can crush it in the lab from nine to five, and then grab a beer with crew after-hours."

Despite his overly optimistic use of the term "crush it," Laing has a positive outlook on his employment prospects.  "Managers should be able to see that I'm not just a stick in the mud.  So I bought the domain 'keithlaing.com.'  You want to see my resume?  Boom.  Right there."  

Indeed, Laing's resume reflects his attitude, with "chromatography wizard" and "process-development guru" listed under skills.  In a similar tone, Laing's recently created LinkedIn profile boasts "Synthesis Rockstar" as a headline, as well as stating his ability to "kill it" across a wide variety of disciplines.

As of press time, Mr. Laing was pondering adding "computational chemistry ninja" to his resume, despite not knowing what "DFT" even stands for.

Cheap, Ubiquitous Carbon Capture

As told to See Arr Oh, who blogs at Just Like Cooking

Billings, MN

Want to reduce environmental carbon dioxide? Forget MOFs, and suspend your underground injection plans. Turns out there's a cheap, easy way to "fix" atmospheric CO2 into value-added products like sugars and building materials. 

"I was shocked, actually, to hear about biological carbon capture," exclaimed George Switchgrass of the NSF's Fuel Research Division. "You get so many benefits, and the reaction conditions - air, water, sunlight, room temperature - are amenable to just about any location." 

Climatologist and landscaper June Birch mentioned in a press release that "...these units are cheap, widely available, and come in all shapes and sizes - perfect for home lawns or your office break area."

Biochemist Wallace Poinsettia remarked "I've had a $2 million grant for the past four years to try and crack this problem, and some little leafy thing in the parking lot is kicking my butt."

Study: Zucchini Market In Flux Due To Increasing Zucchini Stockpile

Washington, DC

The United States Department of Agriculture released a study today commenting on the market flux of zucchini and zucchini related recipes and products.

"Many have long argued that the agricultural market in the United States has been bogged down by under-production of zucchini.  However, our most recent analysis of the current market conditions points to an excess in zucchini supply, coupled with falling demand for domestically grown summer squashes in general, as the real culprits," stated study author Francis Ericsson, PhD.

The report goes on to state that chief among those touting the purported zucchini shortage is the zucchini bread lobby, whose employers pump hundreds of millions of dollars into perpetuating unsupported ideas about the state of the zucchini market.

The study also notes that the federal government, through various tax rebate programs and even direct funding, effectively subsidizes the production of domestic zucchinis, and that the "idea of a supply-side shortage of American-grown zucchini is farcical."

Overhaul In University's EH&S Policy Pledges To "Put Safety Third, Maybe Fourth"

Ithaca, NY

A comprehensive overview of campus safety policies at Cornell University has led to a "complete overhaul" in the institution's attitude and culture surrounding laboratory safety, stated Dean of Research Mark Thompson.

In an open letter to staff, faculty, and students, Thompson stated that safety procedures at Cornell have been thoroughly evaluated, and redesigned "from the ground up."  The letter also indicated that university administrators and faculty had rededicated themselves to "putting safety third, maybe fourth."

"Safety has always been at the heart of all research policy enacted at Cornell.  For this reason, we have performed an exhaustive evaluation of both our policies and practices.  This effort has allowed us to state unequivocally that this university places safety as the third most important criterion in evaluating the effectiveness of a research group, sitting only behind 'ability to generate grant revenue' and 'tenure,' respectively."

Thompson also acknowledged that "in an increasingly digital research landscape" the "online presence" of a given investigator might soon overtake "safety," effectively making the latter the fourth most important evaluation criterion.

The letter closed by reassuring students that under no circumstances would safety ever drop below the "seventh most important thing [sic]". 

C&EN Onion reporters were contacted by a source inside the university who indicated that the Dean's staunch stance on laboratory safety might be less than authentic.  "They [campus administration] went through the same song-and-dance routine a couple years ago with the whole 'green science' thing," stated a graduate student, who spoke only on condition of anonymity.  "Nothing changed, the department just slapped some posters on the doors telling people to keep their sashes down to cut energy use.  And they bought an acetone recycling system, which I might add has been used, like, twice."

Sigma-Aldrich Unveils Artisanal Organic Building Blocks

St. Louis, MO

In a press release immediately following a publication in Science some say heralds the end of synthetic organic chemistry as we know it, a spokesperson from fine chemicals manufacturer and distributor Sigma-Aldrich stated that the firm is introducing a new line of artisan-prepared synthetic building blocks in Q3 of this year.  The new product line, termed Arti-Blocks™, likely aims to retain customers in the face of on-demand, automated synthesis.   In addition, the company announced plans to open a new production facility in Waltham, MA, which is expected to employ 400 scientists, technicians, and administrators.

Jamie Carmichael, spokesman for the firm began, "Sigma-Aldrich aims to provide new, innovative products to its customer base.  As such, we are proud to introduce our artisanal organic building block product line.  Customers can rest easy knowing that their coupling reagents, precursors, and other synthons were generated using traditional borosilicate glassware, the old-fashioned way."

Carmichael continued, "In addition, we are now offering Arti-Plus™ reagents, which, in addition to being handcrafted by our chemists, and purified in small batches of no more than 50 grams via flash chromatography."

"These products include certification indicting they have been handmade by real chemists, and not by any automated system."

As of press time, the company had issued a second press release indicating that their St. Louis production plant would be "undergoing significant reorganization with regard to personnel."  The announcement did not indicate how many jobs would be affected, but did state that "innovative, and stream-lining automation solutions" were planned for late FY15.  Analysts have generally responded favorably to the announcement, with some predicting the firm's second quarter earnings will increase by as much as 5.4% over Q1.

Rampaging Synthetic Chemists Smash Synthesis Machine

C&EN Onion European Chemical Sciences Correspondent Fluorogrol Reports

BREAKING

Urbana, IL

Ugly scenes today marred the unveiling of what may become a landmark paper, as an angry mob of organic synthesis researchers invaded the chemistry department at the University of Illinois at Urbana–Champaign before seizing and ultimately destroying a so-called "synthesis machine."

An article in the journal Science, describing the development of what is in effect a cyborg post-doc, prompted an initially peaceful protest outside the chemistry department under placards carrying the slogans KEEP NATURAL PRODUCT SYNTHESIS NATURAL, SUZUKI COUPLINGS ARE CHEATING and GIVE ME C–H ACTIVATION OR GIVE ME DEATH. However, witnesses described a marked increase in tension after the arrival of a counter-demonstration of inorganic chemists, who taunted their organic counterparts with highly charged epithets including "pot-boiler" and "column monkey".

An anonymous demonstrator later told C&EN Onion: "It all kicked off when the fucking stamp collectors showed up. The was always an undercurrent of anger, but that was when it boiled over and you became keenly aware just how many people had brought BuLi with them."

Asked to explain the motives of the inorganic counter-demonstrators, a hooded organometallic researcher said, "We're just here looking for trouble. I've got no dog in this fight, unless you're gonna tell me that thing's got an onboard SQUID magnetometer."

Anger having now reached fever pitch, a large group stormed the building, making directly for the lab housing the controversial machine. Minutes later, the helpless automaton was flung from a second floor window, landing amongst cheering protesters and breaking, ironically enough, into a number of fragments. Amid frantic shouts that the machine may have developed the capability to heal itself, clamp-stand-wielding synthetic chemists smashed what little remained. To their credit, many of them first donned appropriate personal protective equipment.

John Wiseman, a technician present during the break-in, remained sanguine as he detailed the damage to the lab. "The automated synthesis platform was what they came for, of course, but someone also found time to steal a bunch of NMR tubes and a fresh batch of DMP. You know what these people are like."

Wiseman also claimed that clashes involving armed factions of researchers were not without precedent: "You'd be surprised. There are a lot of radical chemists out there."