ACS Meeting Provides Boon to Local Costume Shop

Written by C&EN Independent Correspondent SeeArrOh, who blogs at Just Like Cooking.

CAMBRIDGE, MA

 With the American Chemical Society's 250th set to kick off this weekend, rentals of mole costumes are up a stunning 200%. 

"Usually, I just have this fuzzy brown shell sitting in the back of a U-Haul" remarks George Sullivan, the lucky entrepreneur of Boston Costume. "I mean, there was that weekend last October, when those guys from Durham College rented out my best suit for 8 hours, but these ACS guys are looking for two costumes for an entire week? Jackpot!"

Mr. Sullivan could not be reached for further comment; the C&EN Onion staff last observed him pitching a potential "Mass Lobster" mascot to ACS past-President Bassam Shakhashiri. 

ACS Official: Entire Meeting Schedule Set To Inconvenience Single Graduate Student

Boston, MA

Sources within the American Chemical Society have confirmed that the entire schedule of the 250th National Meeting was put together with the express purpose of fucking with area graduate student David Weiss.

"We took a look at numerous configurations, schedules, and venues, and decided that the current format of the 250th National  Meeting of the American Chemical Society allows us to dick over Mr. Weiss to the greatest extent possible," an anonymous source within the ACS stated.

The conference organizers poured over metadata from Weiss's journal access over the past year, and combined with a complex sorting algorithm, determined which talks he would be most interested in seeing.  They then scheduled those talks in such a way as to make it impossible to attend more than 50% of them.

"Every meeting we pick one lucky graduate student as tribute, and this time second-year graduate student David Weiss from Tufts got the short straw," stated ACS President Diane Grob Schmidt.  "The organizers really get a kick out of it," she added.

Citing overlapping talks, poster sessions on opposite sides of the conference hall, or in an auxiliary hall all together, and frequent conflicts between the Organic and Biological Chemistry technical division sessions, ACS officials confirmed that they had achieved the ideal level of inconvenience for Mr. Weiss.

As of press time, Weiss was incredulous that both Professors Phil Baran and James Bradner were giving talks at the same exact time on Wednesday.

Boston: A Visiting Chemist's Guide

Welcome to Boston!  You've landed at Logan International Airport, checked into your hotel, and are eagerly awaiting the talks to start at the 250th National Meeting of the American Chemical Society.  We've put together a handy list of some basic Do's and Dont's while visiting this beautiful city.

Do

• See how many family pictures you can photobomb in front of MIT or Harvard.  Boston locals keep a tally, and some even go as far as tagging themselves when these gems later inevitably appear on Facebook.
• Wear a pea coat.  The thick wool will keep you insulated from the icy August weather, and Bostonians find them quite fashionable.  Remember, it could begin snowing at literally any time.
• Rent a car.  Feel free to drive around the city as much as you'd like.  Locals will especially appreciate this, as most do not know how to drive and will take kindly to learning by your example.
• Go to brunch in the South End.  This is not to be confused with South Boston or "Southie."  The former offers a broad assortment of bourgeois dining options;  the latter has an unsettlingly large number of public storage units.
• Order an "Irish Car-Bomb" at any of the Irish Pubs in Boston.  Many of these establishments have employees of Irish descent who will appreciate your homage to their nation's history.

Don't

• Take a picture with the Benjamin Franklin lookalike at the Union Oyster House.  There are, like, six of them that rotate around.  And they try to charge you afterward.
• Go to the top of the hub.  In Boston, there are plenty of places to get belligerently drunk that are not suspended 1000 feet in the air. 
• Pahk your cahh in Havaahhdd Yahhd.
• Use Uber.  Despite the convenience of this car service, angry mobs of taxis drivers have been known to descend upon unsuspecting Uber patrons.
• Go to Allston.  Just don't.

Impact Factor Stolen In Daring Heist

C&EN Onion European Chemical Sciences Correspondent Fluorogrol Reports

Nottingham, UK

Thieves made off with a large quantity of impact factor in a carefully orchestrated raid on a Thomson–Reuters facility, just days before this year's consignment of the controlled substance was due to be distributed to academic journals around the world.

Despite its low-key appearance – an anonymous warehouse on the outskirts of Nottingham, UK – entry to the building known as the Impact Factory is tightly controlled. The heavily armed gang smuggled themselves into the facility in a shipping container stuffed with unprocessed citations. Once inside, they forcibly looted the impact factor vault before escaping, according to a police source, "in the usual manner: zipline across the river and then fleeing by dogsled across the fields to a waiting hovercraft."

Responding to anxious scientific publishers' demands to know precisely how much impact factor was missing, Thomson–Reuters stated: "It would be absurd to attempt to put a precise figure on what is at best a slippery approximation. However, we estimate that impact factor totalling 7318.031 has been taken." The stolen impact factor, corresponding to approximately 17 deca-Natures, will likely be broken up and sold piecemeal to predatory journals or adulterated with cutting agents such as baking soda, amphetamines and Altmetrics before being sold on the street.

Handling guidelines for impact factor, an intractable brown tar described as toxic and corrosive, recommend storage in a well-sealed container and the avoidance of all contact with science. Despite this, it has been known as a drug of abuse for many years under the street names "JIF" and "Garfield's thunder." Most impact factor addicts are relatively high-functioning and able to maintain senior positions in research, publishing, and on tenure and funding committees. Medical professionals urge users to protect themselves from the worst effects by taking their impact factor with a pinch of salt.

Cal Graduate Changes LinkedIn Headline To "Synthesis Rockstar"

Berkeley, CA

Sources indicate that Keith  Laing, expectant Cal chemistry graduate, has recently completed radical changes to his professional image in a severely misguided attempt to impress potential employers.

Laing, 23, is expected to receive his bachelors of science in chemistry next month from the University of California, Berkeley, at which time he hopes to "hit the ground running in kickass position somewhere near the bay," according to the "objective" section of his newly polished resume.

Keith recently spoke with C&EN Onion reporters regarding the millennial's decision to "spice-up" his online presence and resume.  "I want to really stand out from the other chemistry graduates in the area.  Sure, there's a lot of R&D work here, but the talent pool is huge too.  Plus, I want potential employers to see that I 'get' it.  You know?  Like, I'm someone who can crush it in the lab from nine to five, and then grab a beer with crew after-hours."

Despite his overly optimistic use of the term "crush it," Laing has a positive outlook on his employment prospects.  "Managers should be able to see that I'm not just a stick in the mud.  So I bought the domain 'keithlaing.com.'  You want to see my resume?  Boom.  Right there."  

Indeed, Laing's resume reflects his attitude, with "chromatography wizard" and "process-development guru" listed under skills.  In a similar tone, Laing's recently created LinkedIn profile boasts "Synthesis Rockstar" as a headline, as well as stating his ability to "kill it" across a wide variety of disciplines.

As of press time, Mr. Laing was pondering adding "computational chemistry ninja" to his resume, despite not knowing what "DFT" even stands for.

Cheap, Ubiquitous Carbon Capture

As told to See Arr Oh, who blogs at Just Like Cooking

Billings, MN

Want to reduce environmental carbon dioxide? Forget MOFs, and suspend your underground injection plans. Turns out there's a cheap, easy way to "fix" atmospheric CO2 into value-added products like sugars and building materials. 

"I was shocked, actually, to hear about biological carbon capture," exclaimed George Switchgrass of the NSF's Fuel Research Division. "You get so many benefits, and the reaction conditions - air, water, sunlight, room temperature - are amenable to just about any location." 

Climatologist and landscaper June Birch mentioned in a press release that "...these units are cheap, widely available, and come in all shapes and sizes - perfect for home lawns or your office break area."

Biochemist Wallace Poinsettia remarked "I've had a $2 million grant for the past four years to try and crack this problem, and some little leafy thing in the parking lot is kicking my butt."

Study: Zucchini Market In Flux Due To Increasing Zucchini Stockpile

Washington, DC

The United States Department of Agriculture released a study today commenting on the market flux of zucchini and zucchini related recipes and products.

"Many have long argued that the agricultural market in the United States has been bogged down by under-production of zucchini.  However, our most recent analysis of the current market conditions points to an excess in zucchini supply, coupled with falling demand for domestically grown summer squashes in general, as the real culprits," stated study author Francis Ericsson, PhD.

The report goes on to state that chief among those touting the purported zucchini shortage is the zucchini bread lobby, whose employers pump hundreds of millions of dollars into perpetuating unsupported ideas about the state of the zucchini market.

The study also notes that the federal government, through various tax rebate programs and even direct funding, effectively subsidizes the production of domestic zucchinis, and that the "idea of a supply-side shortage of American-grown zucchini is farcical."