New York, NY
Following news that Imprimis Pharmaceuticals had entered the market for Daraprim -- the subject of Turing Pharmaceutical's recent controversial price increase -- Turing CEO Martin Shkreli announced his firm's plan to relocate their headquarters to a hollowed-out volcano somewhere in the south pacific.
"Due to recent corporate restructuring, we have decided that a private island fortress in the form of a long-dormant, but hopefully still smoldering volcano will ideally suit Turing Pharmaceuticals as a new base of operations," stated Shkreli. "As you are all well aware, Turing is committed to spending at least 50% of its total accrued profits on efforts toward world domination."
Mr. Shkreli then proceeded to extol the benefits of such an aquatic lair. "The fortress will, of course, be located in international waters and be accessible only by chartered helicopter. Construction is expected to take approximately eighteen months to complete, which places Turing in an ideal situation to begin construction on a ICBM-equipped moon base by no later than Q2 of 2017."
As of press time, Turing's board of directors was reportedly investigating the costs associated with procuring a small army of child soldiers from the failed state of Somalia, as well as several hovercrafts to patrol the waters around their proposed headquarters.
Satirical news from the world of chemistry, not affiliated with C&EN.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Summer Intern Offers To Pay For Broken Vacuum Dewar
Boston, MA
Sources within Boston-area technology firm Syntadyn indicated that Alexander Jepsen, a co-operative transfer student from the University of Massachusetts, Lowell, graciously offered to finance the replacement of a 2.5-liter glass-lined vacuum dewar flask after inadvertently shattering it while performing his laboratory duties earlier this morning.
Mr. Jepsen, who will be beginning his junior year as a chemistry major next week, was cleaning glassware in the lab sink when he knocked the vessel to the ground causing it to implode violently. Fortunately, Jepsen was not injured in the incident. After sweeping up the glass shards which littered the lab floor, Jepsen reported the breakage to his supervisor, Dr. Kelsey Smith, stating he had broken "some light-bulb looking thing," which he elaborated made "a wicked loud noise" upon shattering.
When reached for comment, Jepsen stated he apologized profusely for the incident. "I went over to Kelsey's office and was like 'I broke something downstairs in the lab, I'm so sorry.' Then I offered to pay for a new one. It looked like a bunch of metal and glass; couldn't cost more than a hundred bucks, tops, right?"
Fortunately for Alexander, who in his brief experience as a co-op has not had the opportunity to contextualize the exorbitant cost of scientific equipment, glassware, and reagents, Dr. Smith declined his gracious but ultimately naive offer to "take a dock in pay."
C&EN Onion reporters reached out to Jepsen's supervisor, who indicated this was not the first incident involving broken equipment. "Some people are just all thumbs, I guess. I've got a laundry list of stuff this guy has broken: round bottoms, NMR tubes, a couple beakers, even a Schlenk line."
As of press time, a one-liter graduated cylinder had escaped from Jepsen's grasp and was rapidly accelerating toward the floor.
Sources within Boston-area technology firm Syntadyn indicated that Alexander Jepsen, a co-operative transfer student from the University of Massachusetts, Lowell, graciously offered to finance the replacement of a 2.5-liter glass-lined vacuum dewar flask after inadvertently shattering it while performing his laboratory duties earlier this morning.
Mr. Jepsen, who will be beginning his junior year as a chemistry major next week, was cleaning glassware in the lab sink when he knocked the vessel to the ground causing it to implode violently. Fortunately, Jepsen was not injured in the incident. After sweeping up the glass shards which littered the lab floor, Jepsen reported the breakage to his supervisor, Dr. Kelsey Smith, stating he had broken "some light-bulb looking thing," which he elaborated made "a wicked loud noise" upon shattering.
When reached for comment, Jepsen stated he apologized profusely for the incident. "I went over to Kelsey's office and was like 'I broke something downstairs in the lab, I'm so sorry.' Then I offered to pay for a new one. It looked like a bunch of metal and glass; couldn't cost more than a hundred bucks, tops, right?"
Fortunately for Alexander, who in his brief experience as a co-op has not had the opportunity to contextualize the exorbitant cost of scientific equipment, glassware, and reagents, Dr. Smith declined his gracious but ultimately naive offer to "take a dock in pay."
C&EN Onion reporters reached out to Jepsen's supervisor, who indicated this was not the first incident involving broken equipment. "Some people are just all thumbs, I guess. I've got a laundry list of stuff this guy has broken: round bottoms, NMR tubes, a couple beakers, even a Schlenk line."
As of press time, a one-liter graduated cylinder had escaped from Jepsen's grasp and was rapidly accelerating toward the floor.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
C&EN 'Talented 12' Compete for "Most Talented" Superlative
Written by C&EN Independent Correspondent SeeArrOh, who blogs at Just Like Cooking.
BOSTON, MA
It's pretty sweet to be labeled an up-and-comer among your professional peers. But, to quote Highlander: "There can be only one!"
This might explain the ongoing competition among the Talented 12 scholars. "It started so innocently," claimed fluorescent probe master Luke Lavis. "Hosea [Nelson] sidled up to me to challenge me to a foot-race, and, next thing I knew, we were sprinting up and down the halls of the Marriott." Synthetic wunderkind Kami Hull has since challenged contact lens pioneer Karen Havenstrite to an arm-wrestling match; Troy Lister and Matt Kanan were last seen engaged in a pie-eating contest.
Remarked C&EN Editor Bibiana Campos Seijo: "Really, they're all equally gifted, but we'll be keeping close watch to see which one survives the conference with the most street cred."
Baran Invents Time Machine, Returns To 2015 To Report On Maoecrystal V
Boston, MA
To an audience of eager chemists, Professor Phil Baran of the Scripps Institute presented his future self from the year 2019 who in turn presented the results of his present self's eventual optimized total synthesis of maoecrystal v. Baran, who will have had completed the elegant, 12-step route by late 2018, extolled on the difficulties of the project.
"Optimizing and cutting down on junk steps took almost two full years of work by seven post-docs. From there, it was a trivial matter of correctly orienting the polarity of several flux capacitors, allowing me to be here with you today," said future-Baran.
Baran did, however, acknowledge some difficulties in implementing his time travel machine. "It turned out the baryon transistors were exceedingly sensitive to tachyon magnetization. The result was inconsistent end-points of time travel. I regret to report that, in the course of debugging, two graduate students were lost, we believe sometime in the mid-to-late cretaceous period."
Upon completion of his talk, the future-present Baran system auto-annihilated, resulting in a singular meta-Baran, which itself transcended both time and mortality, as well as human consciousness.
To an audience of eager chemists, Professor Phil Baran of the Scripps Institute presented his future self from the year 2019 who in turn presented the results of his present self's eventual optimized total synthesis of maoecrystal v. Baran, who will have had completed the elegant, 12-step route by late 2018, extolled on the difficulties of the project.
"Optimizing and cutting down on junk steps took almost two full years of work by seven post-docs. From there, it was a trivial matter of correctly orienting the polarity of several flux capacitors, allowing me to be here with you today," said future-Baran.
Baran did, however, acknowledge some difficulties in implementing his time travel machine. "It turned out the baryon transistors were exceedingly sensitive to tachyon magnetization. The result was inconsistent end-points of time travel. I regret to report that, in the course of debugging, two graduate students were lost, we believe sometime in the mid-to-late cretaceous period."
Upon completion of his talk, the future-present Baran system auto-annihilated, resulting in a singular meta-Baran, which itself transcended both time and mortality, as well as human consciousness.
All those in attendance were reportedly filled with an overwhelming feeling of tranquility and understanding of the collective human condition. Meta-Baran then disintegrated into pure energy, a sight so beautiful that many were driven insane by the jarring epiphany that nothing in the duration of their metaphysically unimportant lives would ever compare.
As of press time, a small slip in the fabric of space-time had allowed fleeting contact with Professor Yoshito Kishi from the year 2021, who uttered a drawn out "MAIIIITOOOOOTOOOXIIIIIIN" before fading from existence.
As of press time, a small slip in the fabric of space-time had allowed fleeting contact with Professor Yoshito Kishi from the year 2021, who uttered a drawn out "MAIIIITOOOOOTOOOXIIIIIIN" before fading from existence.
ACS Conferee's "Black Sunday" Exposition Hall Camp-out Yields Tchotchke Fortune
Written by C&EN Independent Correspondent SeeArrOh, who blogs at Just Like Cooking.
BOSTON, MA
For some, it's a tradition akin to stalwarts lining up outside Wal-Mart on Thanksgiving eve. "I bring a small pup-tent to all ACS National Meetings," says Susan Ortiz, a safety officer from UNH. "If you want the best free schwag from the top vendors, you'd best be at those glass doors at 5:59PM."
"My advice? Bring tennis shoes, and be ready to sprint."
Ms. Ortiz's haul this year set records: a dozen T-shirts, 58 pens, countless pieces of Halloween candy and myriad USB drives. "Really, I'm set until Christmas - my whole family knows to expect branded sunglasses, KNF keychains, or that special Sigma Aldrich solvent guide under the tree."
Sunday, August 16, 2015
ACS Meeting Provides Boon to Local Costume Shop
Written by C&EN Independent Correspondent SeeArrOh, who blogs at Just Like Cooking.
CAMBRIDGE, MA
With the American Chemical Society's 250th set to kick off this weekend, rentals of mole costumes are up a stunning 200%.
"Usually, I just have this fuzzy brown shell sitting in the back of a U-Haul" remarks George Sullivan, the lucky entrepreneur of Boston Costume. "I mean, there was that weekend last October, when those guys from Durham College rented out my best suit for 8 hours, but these ACS guys are looking for two costumes for an entire week? Jackpot!"
Mr. Sullivan could not be reached for further comment; the C&EN Onion staff last observed him pitching a potential "Mass Lobster" mascot to ACS past-President Bassam Shakhashiri.
Saturday, August 15, 2015
ACS Official: Entire Meeting Schedule Set To Inconvenience Single Graduate Student
Boston, MA
Sources within the American Chemical Society have confirmed that the entire schedule of the 250th National Meeting was put together with the express purpose of fucking with area graduate student David Weiss.
"We took a look at numerous configurations, schedules, and venues, and decided that the current format of the 250th National Meeting of the American Chemical Society allows us to dick over Mr. Weiss to the greatest extent possible," an anonymous source within the ACS stated.
The conference organizers poured over metadata from Weiss's journal access over the past year, and combined with a complex sorting algorithm, determined which talks he would be most interested in seeing. They then scheduled those talks in such a way as to make it impossible to attend more than 50% of them.
"Every meeting we pick one lucky graduate student as tribute, and this time second-year graduate student David Weiss from Tufts got the short straw," stated ACS President Diane Grob Schmidt. "The organizers really get a kick out of it," she added.
Citing overlapping talks, poster sessions on opposite sides of the conference hall, or in an auxiliary hall all together, and frequent conflicts between the Organic and Biological Chemistry technical division sessions, ACS officials confirmed that they had achieved the ideal level of inconvenience for Mr. Weiss.
As of press time, Weiss was incredulous that both Professors Phil Baran and James Bradner were giving talks at the same exact time on Wednesday.
Sources within the American Chemical Society have confirmed that the entire schedule of the 250th National Meeting was put together with the express purpose of fucking with area graduate student David Weiss.
"We took a look at numerous configurations, schedules, and venues, and decided that the current format of the 250th National Meeting of the American Chemical Society allows us to dick over Mr. Weiss to the greatest extent possible," an anonymous source within the ACS stated.
The conference organizers poured over metadata from Weiss's journal access over the past year, and combined with a complex sorting algorithm, determined which talks he would be most interested in seeing. They then scheduled those talks in such a way as to make it impossible to attend more than 50% of them.
"Every meeting we pick one lucky graduate student as tribute, and this time second-year graduate student David Weiss from Tufts got the short straw," stated ACS President Diane Grob Schmidt. "The organizers really get a kick out of it," she added.
Citing overlapping talks, poster sessions on opposite sides of the conference hall, or in an auxiliary hall all together, and frequent conflicts between the Organic and Biological Chemistry technical division sessions, ACS officials confirmed that they had achieved the ideal level of inconvenience for Mr. Weiss.
As of press time, Weiss was incredulous that both Professors Phil Baran and James Bradner were giving talks at the same exact time on Wednesday.
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