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Sources within the American Chemical Society have confirmed that the entire schedule of the 250th National Meeting was put together with the express purpose of fucking with area graduate student David Weiss.
"We took a look at numerous configurations, schedules, and venues, and decided that the current format of the 250th National Meeting of the American Chemical Society allows us to dick over Mr. Weiss to the greatest extent possible," an anonymous source within the ACS stated.
The conference organizers poured over metadata from Weiss's journal access over the past year, and combined with a complex sorting algorithm, determined which talks he would be most interested in seeing. They then scheduled those talks in such a way as to make it impossible to attend more than 50% of them.
"Every meeting we pick one lucky graduate student as tribute, and this time second-year graduate student David Weiss from Tufts got the short straw," stated ACS President Diane Grob Schmidt. "The organizers really get a kick out of it," she added.
Citing overlapping talks, poster sessions on opposite sides of the conference hall, or in an auxiliary hall all together, and frequent conflicts between the Organic and Biological Chemistry technical division sessions, ACS officials confirmed that they had achieved the ideal level of inconvenience for Mr. Weiss.
As of press time, Weiss was incredulous that both Professors Phil Baran and James Bradner were giving talks at the same exact time on Wednesday.
Satirical news from the world of chemistry, not affiliated with C&EN.
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