OSHA Study Finds Literally Every Single Research Lab Non-Compliant With Safety Regs

Washington, DC

BREAKING

A newly-released study conducted by the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) found that literally every single research laboratory in the United States -- both academic and industrial -- was "grossly non-compliant with federally mandated health and safety codes."

In a statement to the press, David Michaels, Assistant Secretary of Labor and administrative head of OSHA stated his surprise with the findings.  "Frankly, we knew safety compliance was a major issue in the research setting.  But, after exhaustively conducting interviews and site visits, both unannounced and prearranged, we have concluded that there is not a single research facility within OSHA's jurisdiction that is not flagrantly in violation of standardized safety regulations.  Many negligently so."

"I mean, Jesus tap-dancing Christ, guys," Michaels continued with visible irritation, "Not one of you absent-minded fucks could be arsed to maintain clear egress routes.  You do realize that you need at minimum twenty-six inches of uncluttered walking space in all hallways?  What are you sons of bitches going to do when some halfwit kicks over a Bunsen burner you need to haul ass out of the burning building?  According to our findings, 78 percent of you poor bastards will trip over a glassware disposal bin and proceed to either asphyxiate from smoke inhalation or roast in the conflagration."

After pausing to look at his notes, Michaels added with exasperation, "It's a goddamned miracle there are any living research scientists in the country."

"And you know there's a reason you can't stack shit closer than eighteen inches to the ceiling, right?" he continued admonishingly.  "It's not because we're being non-discriminatory toward short people."

"Take a guess how many emergency eye-wash stations were in working condition.  Go ahead, guess.  I'll wait."  Michaels stated, with a dramatic pause.  "No one?  36 percent, that's how many."

"I swear on my mother's grave, you all are the reason I drink," he concluded, before retiring from the press room.

The study, published by OSHA's internal press liaison, further stated that, of all laboratories surveyed, not one maintained properly labeled and stored chemical waste containers.  In addition, it was found "that an abso-fucking-lutely astounding [sic] 56% of fire extinguishers were mounted on walls opposite exits."

As of press time, all 1.3 million of America's research scientists were naively going about their lab responsibilities, either unaware of or indifferent to, the reality that their respective places of employment were "massive steel and concrete death-traps."