Friday, October 23, 2015

Martin Shkreli Announces Plans To Purchase, Hollow-Out Dormant Volcano

New York, NY

Following news that Imprimis Pharmaceuticals had entered the market for Daraprim -- the subject of Turing Pharmaceutical's recent controversial price increase -- Turing CEO Martin Shkreli announced his firm's plan to relocate their headquarters to a hollowed-out volcano somewhere in the south pacific.

"Due to recent corporate restructuring, we have decided that a private island fortress in the form of a long-dormant, but hopefully still smoldering volcano will ideally suit Turing Pharmaceuticals as a new base of operations," stated Shkreli.  "As you are all well aware, Turing is committed to spending at least 50% of its total accrued profits on efforts toward world domination."

Mr. Shkreli then proceeded to extol the benefits of such an aquatic lair.  "The fortress will, of course, be located in international waters and be accessible only by chartered helicopter.  Construction is expected to take approximately eighteen months to complete, which places Turing in an ideal situation to begin construction on a ICBM-equipped moon base by no later than Q2 of 2017."

As of press time, Turing's board of directors was reportedly investigating the costs associated with procuring a small army of child soldiers from the failed state of Somalia, as well as several hovercrafts to patrol the waters around their proposed headquarters.

1 comment:

  1. Just keep the sharks with frickin lasers out of his neighborhood.

    Could there be a mini-him in the offing? Hope not, he and his kind should not be allowed to reproduce!