Thursday, December 17, 2015

Martin Shkreli Arrested; Prosecutors Seek Indictment On Three Counts

New York, NY

Federal prosecutors announced today that they had arrested controversial venture capitalist Martin Shkreli on three separate securities fraud related charged.  Jonathan Weil, spokesperson for the SEC had this to say:

"Early this morning, Mr. Shkreli was arrested for federal agents on charges related to his activities as CEO of pharmaceutical company Retrophin."

According to Weil, prosecutors plan on indicting Shkreli on two separate charges of being a smug, unrepentant bag of dicks in the first degree, and conspiracy to holy shit how is any of what he's doing even remotely legal, god damn.

He also indicated that the prosecution is considering seeking a third indictment for oh my god, just look at that asshole's face, what a douche.

Sources present as his arraignment indicated that Mr. Shkreli paid his $1,000,000 bail with cartoonish moneybags stashed with hundred dollar bills.  When reached for comment, Shkreli did not speak with the press, but instead threw both middle fingers into the air and briefly smirked before stepping into the back of his chartered limousine.

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