Washington, DC
In a press release earlier this morning, Gillian MacDonald, spokeswoman for the American Chemical Society, announced that the organization would be introducing a new "experimental" journal, tentatively named ACS Open Access Letters. The release also revealed that the proposed journal would be "grass-fed, certified organic, and fair-trade sourced."
"The American Chemical Society is dedicated to the ideals of open access research," began MacDonald, "and additionally, we wish to demonstrate commitment to sustainable journal publishing practices."
MacDonald continued, "In our new journal model, authors will pay a nominal fee to ensure that their research is freely available to all, forever, and that the journals are given adequate open pastures to roam in, natural grass to eat, and that editors are paid a fair living wage for their journals."
By this afternoon, the announcement had already drawn sharp criticism; detractors point out that the open access journal model is inherently unsustainable.
"Look, I get it, I really do. 'OA' gets info out there for everyone. But who's paying for it? The authors, that's who. Either the quality of the journal will suffer, or the quality of research will," commented CalTech's Professor Daniel Pearson. "Plus, if we're honest, we all know those poor editors aren't seeing one extra cent from all this 'fair-trade' nonsense," added Pearson.
Supporters were equally quick to defend the announcement. "It's definitely a step in the right direction," stated Emily Sharpe, PhD., a staff scientist at Johns Hopkins. "We need to transition to a model of completely open access publishing in order to end institutional favoritism. And did you know that journals' digestive systems didn't evolve to process grain? They deserve to eat a natural, all grass diet."
MacDonald also indicated that ACS was exploring the idea of a non-GMO, chemical-free journal, possibly to be introduced in mid-2016.
Satirical news from the world of chemistry, not affiliated with C&EN.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Lab Demonstrator's Basic Competence Appears as Wizardry to First-Year Undergraduates
C&EN Onion European Chemical Sciences Correspondent Fluorogrol Reports
St. Andrews, UK
Second-year graduate student and part-time teaching lab demonstrator Karen Davies, 23, was hailed as "God-like" by breathless, wide-eyed undergraduates after performing a routine crystallization. Students were left speechless by Davies' ability to coax the readily crystallizable product out of solution using only a glass rod and, according to one onlooker, "the power of her mind."
Davies attempted to play down the incident, explaining, "We give them something dead simple for the first practical. They make this dicarboxylic acid that's just about the easiest thing in the world to crystallize. But they never manage it, because they're too impatient or ham-fisted or something. So I was showing them how to promote crystallization by scratching the flask with a stirring rod when they all flipped out."
However, her students remained awestruck by what they witnessed. David McLean, 18, spoke exclusively to C&EN Onion: "It was wild. She had this flask of liquid, like water or mercury or whatever, and she touched it with this, like, wand thing and bang, white solid from nowhere. It was some Harry Potter shit, dude."
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Boston Area Scientists: Month of February "Total Wash"
Boston, MA
Citing unprecedented snowfall and rapidly deteriorating transportation infrastructure in the Boston area, scientists across the northeast technology hub are already calling the entire month of February a "complete and total fucking waste of time."
Early Monday morning, researchers spanning the breadth of the greater Boston Metropolitan area released a joint statement declaring that "absolutely nothing of any consequence has gotten done, nor is likely to occur, in the entire month of February."
"Storm after goddamn storm" stated Waltham resident Michelle Davies, a post-doctoral researcher at Boston's Brigham and Women's Hospital. "Three consecutive Monday's we've had closures at the the lab. The whole MBTA is even shut down today. I can't remember the last time that happened."
"It took me two and a half hours to drive into work yesterday, so I'm not even bothering today."
"There's snow banks 4 feet high in the middle of my street" commented Cambridge resident and Massachusetts Institute of Technology graduate student John Williams. "It's like they just said 'fuck it' with plowing everything. I haven't been able to reliably plan a single experiment in almost three weeks," added Williams with visible frustration.
"They said we're supposed to 'work from home if possible.' Like what? I'm supposed to just jury rig a fume hood in my garage? Maybe cobble together an LC-MS from duct-tape and a toaster? Christ."
When reached for comment, Boston Mayor Marty Walsh suggested all residents of eastern Massachusetts "chill the fuck out and make some snowmen or some shit."
Friday, January 2, 2015
Solitary First-Year Graduate Student Only Lab Occupant On Day After New Year's
Irvine, CA
BREAKING
Sources indicate that Jonathan Wilkins, a first year graduate student at the University of California, Irvine, is the sole occupant of his advisor's research laboratory. The Smith lab, ordinarily bustling with research endeavors, is reportedly entirely empty, save the small desk occupied by Wilkins.
"He [Smith] told everyone we could have New Year's Day off, but we were expected back in the lab today. So I show up like I'm told. And what do I find? Crickets. Not a single other person bothered to show," commented Wilkins. "Someone could have given me a heads up, maybe?"
"I mean, I'm here now, so I might as well run a couple columns or something so today isn't a complete wash."
"Goddammit," he added dejectedly.
When reached for comment, Jessica Anderson, a fifth-year PhD candidate in Smith's lab told reporters the lab is always empty after New Years.
"Yeah, Smith always leaves early on New Year's Eve, then takes the rest of the week off. So the more senior members of the lab follow suit. But with the first-years, we play along with Smith's hardball stance on lab attendance."
"Wait, you mean to tell me Jon actually showed up?" she added.
BREAKING
Sources indicate that Jonathan Wilkins, a first year graduate student at the University of California, Irvine, is the sole occupant of his advisor's research laboratory. The Smith lab, ordinarily bustling with research endeavors, is reportedly entirely empty, save the small desk occupied by Wilkins.
"He [Smith] told everyone we could have New Year's Day off, but we were expected back in the lab today. So I show up like I'm told. And what do I find? Crickets. Not a single other person bothered to show," commented Wilkins. "Someone could have given me a heads up, maybe?"
"I mean, I'm here now, so I might as well run a couple columns or something so today isn't a complete wash."
"Goddammit," he added dejectedly.
When reached for comment, Jessica Anderson, a fifth-year PhD candidate in Smith's lab told reporters the lab is always empty after New Years.
"Yeah, Smith always leaves early on New Year's Eve, then takes the rest of the week off. So the more senior members of the lab follow suit. But with the first-years, we play along with Smith's hardball stance on lab attendance."
"Wait, you mean to tell me Jon actually showed up?" she added.
Friday, December 12, 2014
Chemistry Jobs "Plentiful" and "Well-paying" Says Area AP Chemistry Teacher
Orange, CA
El Camino High School chemistry teacher Richard Hinds has reportedly offered a series of bold-faced lies as encouragement to his Advanced Placement students preceding the start of their winter break. Hinds' class, composed of juniors and college-bound seniors, listened attentively as the purported authority figure described post-graduate employment prospects.
Hinds, who apparently lives in the 1960's, stated, "A bachelor's in chemistry will open so many doors for you. Unemployment is virtually non-existent, and careers in chemistry pay incredibly well!" Witnesses indicated that Hinds failed to discuss the concept of "under-employment," and did not so much as mention the fact that upwards of 60% of chemistry graduates go on to careers not only outside chemistry, but outside science as a whole.
Sources indicated that, while Hinds' mastery of teaching techniques is sound, as evidenced by his students' pass rate of 93%, his concept of the employment landscape within the chemical sciences is fundamentally flawed. "Starting chemists can easily make $60,000 a year," Hinds continued, citing a salary figure existent only outside the realm of reality.
Hinds went on to state that chemistry graduates would have employers "lining up" to hire them, while simultaneously neglecting to mention that a career in industrial chemistry would, with rare exception, necessitate relocation to Massachusetts, New Jersey, Texas, or northern California.
As of press time, Hinds was reading aloud an email from Melissa Ernhardt, a previous student, describing her fortune in obtaining gainful employment in her selected field after earning a BSc. in chemistry, despite her being the only member of her graduating class to do so.
El Camino High School chemistry teacher Richard Hinds has reportedly offered a series of bold-faced lies as encouragement to his Advanced Placement students preceding the start of their winter break. Hinds' class, composed of juniors and college-bound seniors, listened attentively as the purported authority figure described post-graduate employment prospects.
Hinds, who apparently lives in the 1960's, stated, "A bachelor's in chemistry will open so many doors for you. Unemployment is virtually non-existent, and careers in chemistry pay incredibly well!" Witnesses indicated that Hinds failed to discuss the concept of "under-employment," and did not so much as mention the fact that upwards of 60% of chemistry graduates go on to careers not only outside chemistry, but outside science as a whole.
Sources indicated that, while Hinds' mastery of teaching techniques is sound, as evidenced by his students' pass rate of 93%, his concept of the employment landscape within the chemical sciences is fundamentally flawed. "Starting chemists can easily make $60,000 a year," Hinds continued, citing a salary figure existent only outside the realm of reality.
Hinds went on to state that chemistry graduates would have employers "lining up" to hire them, while simultaneously neglecting to mention that a career in industrial chemistry would, with rare exception, necessitate relocation to Massachusetts, New Jersey, Texas, or northern California.
As of press time, Hinds was reading aloud an email from Melissa Ernhardt, a previous student, describing her fortune in obtaining gainful employment in her selected field after earning a BSc. in chemistry, despite her being the only member of her graduating class to do so.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Three Dead Following NMR Quench; Calls For Help Mistaken For "Alvin And The Chipmunks" Christmas Album
St. Paul, MN
BREAKING
Officials at the University of Minnesota, Twin Cites campus, are reporting that three scientists have died following a rapid quench of the university's 800 MHz nuclear magnetic resonance spectrometer. Sources indicate that at approximately 7:30 pm Wednesday evening, technician Adam Wilkinson and graduate students Aaron Ferguson and Donna Frish were performing a probe changeover when the instrument unexpectedly quenched, releasing all 240 liters of liquid cryogen.
Researchers in adjacent laboratories reported hearing high-pitched voices from the instrumentation lab. Post-doctoral researcher Shane Patel stated his confusion, representative of all those present in the building at the time of the incident.
"Those assholes [sic] in James' lab down the hallway have been playing this obnoxious Christmas carol album non-stop since literally the day after Thanksgiving. Alvin and the Chipmunks, or something like that."
"Anyway, I heard some muffled squealing voices coming from down the hallway, and just assumed it was those nobs playing that shit-awful album again."
Students and faculty alike are reeling in the wake of the deaths. A preliminary investigation by campus officials has indicated that a faulty quench vent tube is to blame for the tragedy. David Roberts, head of campus EH&S, issued a statement warning of the dangers associated with liquid helium.
"True, helium is non-toxic, but liquid cryogen expands when it boils off and can easily displace all the oxygen within a given room. If occupants are unable to evacuate quickly, rapid asphyxiation can occur. Rapid, squeaky, hilariously tragic asphyxiation."
Patel added, "Well, at least those poor bastards don't have to suffer through hearing that terrible album again."
BREAKING
Officials at the University of Minnesota, Twin Cites campus, are reporting that three scientists have died following a rapid quench of the university's 800 MHz nuclear magnetic resonance spectrometer. Sources indicate that at approximately 7:30 pm Wednesday evening, technician Adam Wilkinson and graduate students Aaron Ferguson and Donna Frish were performing a probe changeover when the instrument unexpectedly quenched, releasing all 240 liters of liquid cryogen.
Researchers in adjacent laboratories reported hearing high-pitched voices from the instrumentation lab. Post-doctoral researcher Shane Patel stated his confusion, representative of all those present in the building at the time of the incident.
"Those assholes [sic] in James' lab down the hallway have been playing this obnoxious Christmas carol album non-stop since literally the day after Thanksgiving. Alvin and the Chipmunks, or something like that."
"Anyway, I heard some muffled squealing voices coming from down the hallway, and just assumed it was those nobs playing that shit-awful album again."
Students and faculty alike are reeling in the wake of the deaths. A preliminary investigation by campus officials has indicated that a faulty quench vent tube is to blame for the tragedy. David Roberts, head of campus EH&S, issued a statement warning of the dangers associated with liquid helium.
"True, helium is non-toxic, but liquid cryogen expands when it boils off and can easily displace all the oxygen within a given room. If occupants are unable to evacuate quickly, rapid asphyxiation can occur. Rapid, squeaky, hilariously tragic asphyxiation."
Patel added, "Well, at least those poor bastards don't have to suffer through hearing that terrible album again."
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Medicinal Chemist Researching Erectile Dysfunction Lies To Parents, Self
C&EN Onion European Chemical Sciences Correspondent Fluorogrol Reports
Stevenage, UK
Disillusioned medicinal chemist Thomas 'Tom' Evans today spoke candidly of the miasma of misinformation he has been forced to construct while working on a series of selective PDE5 inhibitors in search of a clinical candidate for erectile dysfunction.
"What am I meant to tell my mother?" demanded Evans, visibly angered. "I've been fobbing her off with the 'you wouldn't understand, it's very complex science' line for two-and-a-half years now. What if my father asks to try some? Nobody needs that conversation over Sunday lunch."
"I try to avoid direct, bare-faced lies, but recently I accidentally-on-purpose left some marketing fliers for [cutting-edge B-cell cancer drug] Imbruvica around my parents' house," he continued. "They completely fell for it, assuming I worked on it, although when my mother noticed that it's made by a different company I had to do some serious off-the-cuff bullshitting about a split marketing rights deal or something."
Evans revealed that the deceit has also crept into his working life: "I imagine that the compound I'm making is going to revolutionise treatment of hep C, or type 1 diabetes, or even canine pruritus. Anything. But then something always pricks the bubble. Boner drugs. Damn."
A colleague, who asked not to be named, claimed she'll ask to transfer labs if she hears Evans' moribund joke that he's 'bored stiff' of PDE5 inhibitors once more.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)