Wednesday, November 4, 2015

3 Reported Dead After Paperwork Exposure Event Results In Drowning

St. Louis, MO

Two technicians and a process chemist were reportedly killed early Tuesday evening at the SynTech custom chemical plant in St. Louis, MO.  The incident occurred when an internal safety review board generated enough hot gas to rupture, showering the three in paperwork.

The accumulation of the noxious paperwork, a myriad of inane and redundant forms, check-box SOP's, and boilerplate hazard warnings, initially began slowly following the adjournment of a process safety review meeting.  However, by mid-afternoon enough paperwork had been evolved from the discussion to increase the stress on the system's self-importance relief valve to critical levels.  Investigations are ongoing, but it is suspected that the valve's pressure was not properly monitored due to management's failure to check the autonomy levels of the review panel.

A spokesperson from SynTech expressed sympathy with the families of those affected.  "We wish to express our deepest condolences to the families and loved ones of the three workers lost today.  SynTech is working closely with federal investigators to determine the precise cause of yesterday's paperwork exposure, and to ensure that such a tragedy will never occur again."

The spokesperson went on to describe an emergency safety review board incident review panel, which had been formed immediately following the rupturing of the safety review board.

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