Monday, August 25, 2014

Post-Doc Sells Soul For Tenure-Track Position

Westwood, CA

After six years of post doctoral research, UCLA chemist Jordan Watkins, PhD., has secured a tenure track assistant professorship position, sources within the university state, after reportedly agreeing to a Faustian bargain with The Prince of Darkness.  Daniel Stephenson, a graduate student and labmate of Dr. Watkins, indicated that the Dark Lord of the Abyss and Purveyor of Suffering was summoned to lab bench of the latter, shortly after coming to the realization that, at 34 years old, he "should be a professor or something, not stuck in this goddamned hell-hole."

In an interview with our staff, Watkins laid out the terms of the agreement between himself and Lucifer, the Unholy Abomination from Beyond.  "Well, I summoned him in the usual manner: pentagram drawings, candles, incantations, the blood of an undergraduate student, you know, typical stuff.  Pretty much, I get a tenure track position at UC Riverside in exchange for an eternity of suffering in a burning lake of sulfur."

When reached for comment, The Master of Demons indicated that Watkins had initially demanded placement at a top-five institution in exchange for the eternal torment of his immortal soul.  "He wanted me to put him at Harvard.  Harvard.  Come on, what does he think I am, a miracle worker?  Told him the best I could do was a middle tier UC.  He should be grateful, really, with that kind of publication record..."

1 comment:

  1. Late note - Dr Watkins has filed a lawsuit before the Supreme Court of Vatican City, Watkins vs Master of Demons, for breach of contract. Watkins claimed that his punishment had started immediately upon arriving on the Riverside campus when he was assigned to teach sections of Chemistry for Poets and Organic Chemistry for Hopeful Pre-meds.