Thursday, July 17, 2014

Dartmouth Senior Admits Never Read McQuarrie's "Quantum Chemistry," Only Sits On Dorm Table To Impress Girls

Hanover, NH

In an exclusive interview, Dartmouth senior and chemistry major Matthew Christiansen (21) admitted that the copy of Donald McQuarrie's "Quantum Chemistry," an authoritative introduction to quantum mechanics, which he keeps on his dorm coffee table is simply a misguided ploy to impress co-eds.  "I read the preface, but then there got to be all these symbols I didn't understand," stated Christiansen.

"It got way more complicated than I anticipated," he said of the text, which covers the fundamental laws of subatomic physics, and indeed the very forces that hold the universe together.  "But then I thought, 'maybe if I just leave it on my table, people will assume I'm a mysterious intellectual type.'"  The book currently rests atop the table in the common room of Christiansen's dormitory, next to a half consumed bottle of Jameson.

Matthew, who currently holds the lowest score in his physical chemistry course, discussed the strategic placement of the text, "I made sure to put it off to the side of the table, so it looks like I sort of absentmindedly left it there.  Then I stuck an orientation pamphlet in a random page so it looks like I'm in the process of reading it."  To date, not a single person, male or female, had commented about the book; however, Christiansen remains hopefully optimistic, "when someone finally does bring it up, I'll just spew something about 'wavefunctions' or 'eigenvectors,' that's a thing, right?"

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