Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Novartis Scientist Discovers Key To Immortality, Tells No One

Cambridge, MA


Reports indicate that late last night, Dr. Steven Wolfe, head of drug discovery at the Novartis Institute for Biomedical Research (NIBR) serendipitously discovered a chemical agent which induces biological immortality in subjects.  "This can't be right..." Wolfe, 47, reportedly said, his voice trailing off as he stared intently at the cell cycle assay data in front of him.

The compound, NV-4-6654, is reportedly an early stage, pre-clinical drug candidate intended for treatment of Alzheimer's disease; however, unbeknownst to all but Wolfe, it would effectively immortalize any human after a single treatment, without simultaneously causing an accumulation of cancer-causing mutations.

"The world isn't ready..." mumbled Wolfe under his breathe, "... but I could make billions..." he added with an almost indiscernible smirk.  "No one must know."

CCTV footage from the Cambridge campus' security system shows Wolfe calling John Williams, an LC-MS technician and only other occupant of the lab at the time of the discovery, into an adjacent empty laboratory.  Approximately eleven minutes elapses before Wolfe re-emerged, alone, his sleeves rolled up and tie hanging loosely around his neck.

After removing NV-4-6654 from the Novartis structure database, Dr. Wolfe absconded with the only existent sample of the compound, placing the glass UPLC vial in his jacket pocket.

As of press time, sources indicate that Wolfe was struck and killed by the last MBTA bus departing for Dudley station via Massachusetts avenue while crossing the street from the NIBR building.

Anyone with information about the whereabouts of John Williams is urged to contact the Cambridge Police Department.


  1. Reminds me of the Alzheimer's cure they discovered at Laboratoire Garnier.

  2. Loving your posts so far! I've spread the word about your blog to all of my chemistry and biomedical research friends.